Illumination
by ksfd89
Summary: A short piece on what would have happened if Dean hadn't been with Rory at the end of Season 4 and if things had gone differently


**A drabble based on what would have happened if the end of S4 had gone differently for Jess and Rory.**

Boxes are strewn around the room. Rory has had the stereo blasting, is wearing old clothes and there is a smear of dirt on her cheek but she looks beautiful to Jess. She was surprised to see him but let him in. There's a book in the corner but Jess refuses to get distracted and ask about it. He's going to tell her everything he needs.

"I came to say I'm sorry." Jess pauses, looking at Rory. "I'm sorry I said what I did - I mean, I'm not sorry I said it but I'm sorry I said it and left. I'm sorry I took off like that."

Rory looks at him but gives no reaction and Jess takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye," he says, voice determined. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I couldn't take you to your prom. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you."

Rory ducks her eyes but Jess goes on,

"I'm sorry it all got messed up. I'm sorry I didn't call."

"You did."

"What?"

Jess stops, caught off-guard and Rory repeats,

"You did call me. You called me over and over at graduation."

"I didn't say anything."

"You still called."

Jess nods, digesting this and finally says,

"Rory I love you. I want you to know that. I won't leave now."

Rory sucks in her breath, her eyes wide.

"Are you asking me to be your girlfriend again?"

"No," Jess says quickly. "Not if you don't want to. I just had to tell you that. I had to tell you I'm sorry."

"You still love me," Rory says, her voice catching. "What am I meant to say?"

Jess tries not to look away, give up and go. His mouth is dry and he wets his lips before saying,

"You don't need to say anything."

"I have to say something," Rory argues. "What are we going to do, Jess? Are you coming home for the summer? Do you expect me to come to New York?"

Jess wants to close his eyes, turn from the hurt in her face but he makes himself wait, hear her out and Rory says, voice trembling,

"All year I've thought about this. I spent all summer trying to forget about you and then you show up, say you love me and drive off and leave, again, and I try to forget you, again and now you're here saying you're sorry and you still love me and asking - God, what are you asking?"

"I'm not asking anything!" Jess exclaims, his voice cracking. "Rory, I just had to see you. I'm not asking you to be with me again."

"Do you want to be with me again?" Rory flings back and Jess stops. Her blue eyes are bright with moisture and he swallows his immediate response. _Yes, you know I do. I love you. I want to be together. Come with me._

"I want to figure things out," Jess says slowly and Rory looks away. Her lower lip is sticking out, a sign that she's going to cry and Jess is feeling dangerously close himself. He blinks the tears back. The conversation he imagined went considerably smoother in his head. For a moment the only sound is strained silence.

Jess gulps back the heaviness in his throat.

"Do you love me?"

"What?"

Rory looks shocked and Jess asks,

"Rory, do you still love me? Please tell me, either way."

She stares at him for a moment, his brown eyes locked on her blue and then says,

"I do love you, Jess. I love you but I don't want to be with you. Not right now."

It hurts but he's not surprised. Jess nods, unable to speak and Rory says,

"Maybe one day, but I'm still - it's confusing, Jess. You come and you take off -"

"Rory, I said -"

"I know what you said!" Rory exclaims, suddenly fierce. "And I know you're sorry, and I do believe you, but Jess, you're in New York and I have Yale and we're - Jess, we're in different places."

Jess knows she means more than simple geography, that right now it wouldn't matter if he did move back. He simply nods and Rory shakes her head, her hair shining in he last of the light.

"What are we going to do?" Rory asks, half-laughing and half-crying. "I wish it wasn't like this."

"Well," Jess says, finding his speech. "I'm figuring things out."

"Good," Rory says gently, an almost smile in her eyes. "That's good, Jess."

He nods and they stand still for a moment, the halls more silent than Jess ever imagined.

""I guess I'd better go," he says, looking back into her eyes. "I should head back to New York."

"What are you doing there?" Rory asks. She sounds anxious and Jess smiles, hoping to calm them both.

"This and that. Nothing interesting."

"I don't believe that, Jess."

He doesn't try to argue. He slowly reaches his hand out to brush hers goodbye, turns and starts to the door. He opens it and sees Rory is behind him, walking with him to the exit. It feels a little less final and, if things were different, he'd put his arm around her waist. Instead, they walk side by side and it's not so bad.

"This is it," Jess says as they reach the main entrance. "Bye, Rory."

"Goodbye, Jess."

They look and look and in the same moment lean in and kiss. Her taste is as sweet and familiar as he recalls and he wishes to hold her properly, take more time, run a hand through her hair. As it is they kiss only for a moment before breaking away. Rory's eyes are shining but they know nothing has changed.

"Be careful," she says quietly and Jess knows she doesn't mean only the car. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket, finds a piece of paper and presses it in her hand.

"My number," he says shyly. "I promise I'll tell you if it's changed."

She smiles, folding it.

"Thanks."

"I should go," Jess says again. It's abrupt but he knows if he stays he'll beg her to come. "See you, Rory."

"See you, Jess."

He heads over to his car, knowing she's still there, and indeed, as he gets in he looks up to see her watching. She stands illuminated in the light and he knows she'll stay until he's gone from sight. He keeps the image in mind as he drives away and thinks of the one shining thing. _See you_ is better than _goodbye_.


End file.
